| my first instinct to emotionally defend myself is to withdraw but some where along the way after the incident 1st yr in college, something clicked and it all made sense. if i had to pinpoint a specific event that triggered this epiphany, i wouldn't be able to and i would have to settle on the explanation that perhaps it was a culmination of events. but anyhow, my first instinct was, and still is occasionally but at least i'm trying to steer clear of that, is to withdraw. as in, i'd try to portion my feelings. i'd wouldn't allow myself to feel too much, i'd hold myself back because i was taught and shown that one shouldn't feel more than the other person in question because that leaves you vulnerable, disadvantaged, almost. which in retrospect is very, very depressing when you initially think about it because it shouldn't be about trying to one-up the other person but fanciful ideas aside, is this heart business really not a cutthroat, ambitious, competition? in any case, i'd try to limit the amount of feeling i had for another person because it was easier, safer but i literally woke up one morning and decided that that was just plain stupid. i don't want to limit myself, if i'm going to feel, i'm going to feel. it causes more trouble because it goes against my nature which starts a whole chain of crummy events. go big or go home, right? i came across a post on tumblr that read something along the lines of, 'you never lose by loving, you always lose by holding back' and i agree with that to a certain extent. our capacity for recovery is astounding, eloquently expressed by another quote found on tumblr, 'time heals what reason cannot', so if i'm hurt, i'll be hurt for a long while but i'll eventually be okay because happiness can be, and should be initially, inspired from therein and to be cultivated by others. |
